My entire life feels like it’s out of my control right now. I feel like I have absolutely no say in anything that happens, and I hate feeling powerless. I’ve been feeling really down lately, and so irritable. The least little thing sets me off, and I hate being that person. I don’t want to be that person.
I guess I got a bit spoiled working from home and being on my own schedule. I could get up when I wanted, work when and for however long I wanted, eat whenever I wanted. Now I have no say in any of those things. I love having Logan here, but six days a week and different hours every day is exhausting and leaves me very little time to do my own stuff. And I have a lot of stuff to do. It’s frustrating.
Then I have friends who basically want nothing to do with me except when it suits them. I won’t hear from them for ages until they need me for something or all of a sudden remember me and want to do something as long as it’s what they want, when they want. Since when is that how friendship works? You can’t ignore me all summer, say you’re too busy doing other stuff, and then expect me to drop everything when you have nothing better to do and suddenly want to hang out. And of course it’s those same friends who have tons of time for their other friends but no time for me. Did I miss something and we’re suddenly back in high school? You kind of expect people to be all over the place in high school, but we’re adults now - it’s time to grow up.
I’m tired of being used and overlooked and ignored, and I’m tired of putting my life on hold for other people.
I wrote that last night, and shortly afterward I was talking to my mum and she said she's afraid I'm getting really bitter and cynical...and as you can see, that's kind of true. Like I said, I don't want to be that person. I hate that everything that's going on is affecting every aspect of my life. I need to take control back, but I just don't know how....yet.
I'm feeling a bit better today. Even though I was aware of how all this stuff was affecting my mood, I think in a weird way it helped to hear someone else say it. I was aware of it, but to know it's not going unnoticed, especially by the only person who's always there for me...it's upsetting. An eye opener. I've always been strong, and now I need to draw on that strength and try to make the best of things, even when it feels like everything is going against me.
*Takes a deep breath*...I'm going to try. Hopefully soon I'll have a happy post to share instead of all this angsty crap. ;-)